Thursday, May 28, 2015

12 signs (continued)

6) He smells.
That isn't to say he's not fun to be around most of the time, or that there is a gross odor which lingers about him. That's not what I'm talking about at all. What I refer to is his ability to smell, as in detecting various aromas via his nostrils. Do you really want to be around a man with such a dangerous capability? Imagine walking around a corner and out of nowhere he says "is that pizza?" You ask him "how can you tell?" And he responds something about how he can "smell" it. That's some messed up crap right there. Sure, it might not seem like a big deal then, but think about all the dark magic he could conjure with such supernatural abilities. He probably interrupted something important you were saying when he referred to his pizza senses anyway, which is totally rude.

7) He doesn't know what bacon is.
If he ever asks you "what is bacon?" just drop him immediately. No exceptions. Even if he knows what bacon is and he's asking questions like that, it shows his lack of maturity. Such an inquisition may be the start of a joke which I can already tell is not funny, and you don't need a man who isn't hilarious and perfect.

8) Bird stool on his pants.
Or dog stool. Any type of stool, really. If it's on his shirt or shoes, that's not great either. Basically if you're around him and the word "stool" pops into your head, that's a deal breaker. Your subconscious knows more than you ever will, so trust it. Also, if intuition tells you "diaper" or "diapers, diapers," that means his dumb brainwaves are getting all up in your zen. That's an invasion of mental privacy. In fact you should get a restraining order.

9) He's a jerk.
Jerks are jerks.

10) He says he loves you.
Scientific research shows that males only talk to themselves unless speaking in third person. So if your boyfriend's name is Frodo (guys named Frodo is sign number 17 [not in this list]) and your name is Genevirfathena. If he doesn't explicitly say "Frodo loves Genevirfathena" or "Genevirfathena is beautiful," then he is talking to himself, so usually what he's really meaning to say is "I (Frodo) am beautiful" or "I (Frodo) love me (Frodo)." Saying "your beautiful" could mean anything. He should know better than to send mixed signals like that. Talking in third person is the only solution. But if he's talking in third person a lot, dump him, because talking in third person sounds weird and gets annoying real quick. Silence is best. That means he's listening.

11) He wears corrective lenses.
For the love of General Stu's chicken, why did I say twelve? Sure, his spectacles make him look intelligent and sophisticated, but think about it. He's not seeing you for who you really are! He's intentionally warping his perspective about you. And I hate to break it to you, but his crappy eyesight is only going to get worse until he goes blind. You don't want to be around a guy who doesn't literally see you for who you really are on the outside.

12) This last one is disappointing.
(It always is) If you are ever disappointed for any reason, break up with him, because that means he can't keep you constantly satisfied. While you were reading this, he may have jumped all the hurdles until the point, but just do yourself a favor and tell him it's over right now, because I can tell you're disappointed. He's stupid enough to let you read this article and find out the truth about him and get all bummed out, so just get it over with. You need someone who can keep you happy 24/7. That's the definition of a perfect relationship, anyway.

Monday, May 18, 2015

12 signs you should dump your boyfriend right now

He saws your legs off in your sleep.
Sure, there might be a reasonable explanation for this, but if he didn’t ask you if he could take a hand-saw to your kneecaps during a snooze, he obviously has communication problems. Plus, he sounds like the kind of person who’d get mad at you for staining his hand-saw because “it’s YOUR knee blood!” Yeah, dump that turd (Also, can you imagine waking up to your boyfriend sawing off your legs and making eye contact in that moment? That’s awkward, and nobody wants to be in an awkward relationship).
He writes crappy buzzfeed style articles
This guy obviously has no life. Has he ever taken you out for pizza? Will he even watch Netflix with you? No, of course not! He’s too busy laughing at his own jokes writing Onion News fan fiction!
He is a catfish
I don’t mean those online or mobile predators who text you pretending to be someone who doesn't exists, I’m talking about actual catfish. What does that dude have to offer you? All he does is swim around in his own filth until YOU clean up his mess! Does he even have clothes? Next time you see him, really, ask him if he has any clothes. I want to know what crap excuse he comes up with. Trust me, he is NOT a catch (zzzZING!). In all serious, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal own catfish, you salty pirate you.
(Side note: During my research I found a Wikipedia article on “noodling,” which is a method of fishing for catfish with your bare hands. Interesting read, I recommend it)
He’s not good looking, rich, OR famous.
Actually, you should really replace that “OR” with “AND” right there, because why settle for anything less than the perfect man, amirite? Keep your standards up. Sheesh, don’t embarrass yourself, girl. You read this far, might as well get the best advice.
He’s good with kids and knows how to cook
Not many know about this one. Girls are naturally attracted to guys who are good with kids, but don’t let your biological instincts deceive you. The reason he is so good with kids is because he is immature, and he always will be. And you don’t want your natural wife-and-mother-type skills to be inferior to his, now, do you?