Monday, May 18, 2015

12 signs you should dump your boyfriend right now

He saws your legs off in your sleep.
Sure, there might be a reasonable explanation for this, but if he didn’t ask you if he could take a hand-saw to your kneecaps during a snooze, he obviously has communication problems. Plus, he sounds like the kind of person who’d get mad at you for staining his hand-saw because “it’s YOUR knee blood!” Yeah, dump that turd (Also, can you imagine waking up to your boyfriend sawing off your legs and making eye contact in that moment? That’s awkward, and nobody wants to be in an awkward relationship).
He writes crappy buzzfeed style articles
This guy obviously has no life. Has he ever taken you out for pizza? Will he even watch Netflix with you? No, of course not! He’s too busy laughing at his own jokes writing Onion News fan fiction!
He is a catfish
I don’t mean those online or mobile predators who text you pretending to be someone who doesn't exists, I’m talking about actual catfish. What does that dude have to offer you? All he does is swim around in his own filth until YOU clean up his mess! Does he even have clothes? Next time you see him, really, ask him if he has any clothes. I want to know what crap excuse he comes up with. Trust me, he is NOT a catch (zzzZING!). In all serious, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal own catfish, you salty pirate you.
(Side note: During my research I found a Wikipedia article on “noodling,” which is a method of fishing for catfish with your bare hands. Interesting read, I recommend it)
He’s not good looking, rich, OR famous.
Actually, you should really replace that “OR” with “AND” right there, because why settle for anything less than the perfect man, amirite? Keep your standards up. Sheesh, don’t embarrass yourself, girl. You read this far, might as well get the best advice.
He’s good with kids and knows how to cook
Not many know about this one. Girls are naturally attracted to guys who are good with kids, but don’t let your biological instincts deceive you. The reason he is so good with kids is because he is immature, and he always will be. And you don’t want your natural wife-and-mother-type skills to be inferior to his, now, do you?

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