Tuesday, April 5, 2016

12 Things You Didn't Know About Guys



There are a lot of guys and a lot of things you don't know about guys. Here are just a few of many of them:

1 Guys have a removable left foot

Male human being have evolved to detach their left foot as a means to escape predators. Unlike lizards, however, their left foot won't grow back. Therefore, they must go back a retrieve their left foot, and reattach it. Today, with lower amounts of natural predators, this feature is almost useless, and some men find it embarrassing. Tall men who live alone will usually detach their left foot before bedtime for comfort, and others are known to remove their left foot for pickup street b-ball.

2 Guys eat high amounts of salt

Sodium controls the way muscles and nerves work, so guys need a lot of it. Guys consume an average of 37 gallons of salt a day. So next time you open the pantry and ask yourself, "Where the heck is all the salt? Where did it all go?" You will know the answer.

3 Guys are really good at pointing at things

Out of nowhere, you might see a guy pointing at something, or any number of things, and suddenly you think to yourself, "Whoa. How did he get so good at pointing like that?" It may seem unbelievable, but guys are just natural at pointing at things. If you ever asked a guy how he got so good at pointing, he literally would not even know what to tell you. He'd do his best and rack his mind to find an answer for you, and stress out and mumble incoherently in a cold sweat. Might even have a seizure. Yeah, better not ask him about it, just to be safe.

My dog just passed gas and it smells awful. It's seriously worse than skunk juice. Ah, I can't breathe! What dark magic is happening in his insides that has the capability to produce such a rancid odor? And how is he not reacting to it himself? If my flatulence was this poisonous I would not be able to play it as cool as this dog. It's still lingering, for crying out loud.

4 Guys think bacon tastes like chocolate

Scientist performed taste tests to determine why guys love bacon so much. So they sat down a number of ladies and guys, and blindfolded them all. First they fed them chocolate, then bacon, and issued a survey after the test. Most of the girls replied, "The first one tasted like chocolate, and the second tasted like bacon." Nearly all the guys told the scientists, "You just put two pieces of chocolate in my mouth. I don't get it." The control group, who actually ended up receiving only bacon, replied in a similar fashion.

5 Guys think odd numbers are confusing

Guys don't like numbers that aren't divisible by two. It makes them angry. That's why you don't see a lot of guys working at cash registers or banks, unless the store has a policy where all prices are even numbers.

6 Guys use robot clones on first date

First dates can be stressful for everyone, especially for guys. They don't like showing signs of fear, so in order to avoid that, they will usually send a remote-control robot clone of themselves on the first date. This is why first dates can be so awkward. It is because the controls used to conduct the actions of robot clones are pretty complicated, so it's fairly common for them to laugh out of place, frequently examine their surroundings, and spill food on themselves. During awkward silences, you can usually assume the verbal configuration is taking time updating new software.

8 Guys can't get out of trees

Guys can climb up trees but can't get down. If you see a guy stuck in a tree calling for help, he's not trying to be funny. Call the fire department.

9 Guys have a "why" chromosome

Something that may have gone over your head in high school human biology class is genetic mutation regarding the "why" chromosome. It gets confused with the "Y" chromosome because they both sound similar. The "why" chromosome is responsible for causing guys to do things that make girls ask themselves questions such as, "Why is he texting me to get dinner with him instead of calling me?" or "Why does he keep talking about his abs?" Trust me, they'd change if they could, they just can't help it.

Intermission part two:
My dog tooted again. I feel like I'm going to die.

10 All guys share the same recurring dream

While girls have various kinds of dreams, guys share the same exact dream of getting their teeth ripped out. That's why you think a guy is repeating himself, when really, you heard the same dream from another guy. They think they're having different dreams, but they're not, so just play along.

11 Guys hate Batman

Guys hate competition, so when you hear guys rave about how cool Batman is, it's safe to assume they hate his guts. Guys know that girls like guys who have a) lots of money, b) British butlers, and c) a black cape. They know if they talk crap about Batman, girls will stop liking them, so they feign interest in order to fit in. Guys find it frustrating they can't be exactly like Batman, especially when they are so close to fitting all the requirements. For example, most guys have a lot of money and a British butler, but they can't figure out how to get their hands on a black cape. Think about it, how often do you see a guy wearing a black cape? Exactly, they just don't know the first thing about getting a black cape. They have no idea where to get one. How did Batman figure it out so fast? It's frustrating.

12 Guys are allergic to metal

They aren't checking your left hand just to see if you're married or engaged. Guys get skin irritation and develop a rash if they get too close to metal. So that's why they act funny if you're wearing shiny jewelry. Also, not related, guys don't like it when dogs are flatulent.

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